{"id":12619,"date":"2024-03-05T10:00:13","date_gmt":"2024-03-05T10:00:13","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.sebpalmer.com\/blog\/?p=12619"},"modified":"2024-03-07T06:10:00","modified_gmt":"2024-03-07T06:10:00","slug":"health-wellbeing-slight-problem-waking-vs-sleep","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.sebpalmer.com\/blog\/?p=12619","title":{"rendered":"HEALTH WELLBEiNG: Slight Problem? Waking vs. Sleep"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"\"
Gonzo!<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

The first thing I want to record here is the most gonzo dreams I think I\u2019ve ever had<\/em>. Not sure I actually can record them, as they were so intense, weird and far ranging.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019ll just do a stream of consciousness dump, and hope I get down a fraction of what is fast fading from waking consciousness (poss\/prob a good thing?):<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"
Rats\u2026 Rizzo, the Rat (sailor mode!).<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Rats, lots of flesh-eating poss\u2019 humano-hybrid rats\u2026 segueing into totally weird (fungi style?) morphing psychedelic segment, a la Cal Schenkel animation, in which tendrils from nostrils morph and liquify, into, well\u2026 \u2018everything everywhere all at once\u2019.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Alien nuclear weapons, already trained on\/or just randomly arriving at Earth. Multifaceted buildings coated with cellular windows, and locomotive train like projections, all over.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"
The Great Gonzo\u2026looking a bit P-Funk!<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

A sequence where simultaneously we\u2019re dealing with a baby that falls into a river, is washed away, then rescued, and poss\u2019 then sold; human trafficking (of semi-vegetative folk); meltdown at an outraged trailer park\/campsite\/fairground owner: and various other weird strands that now escape me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019ll leave the dream-dump there for now. I might return to it, as and when more of the psychedelic kaleidoscopic content returns to consciousness? One over-riding keynote throughout many parts of it all was being submerged in apocalyptic levels of fear.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"
Mental flush?<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Alas, that last – whilst most of the rest seems like a weird \u2018mental flushing\u2019 – seems only too well connected with the panic-inducing reality I\u2019m currently facing, of zero-income vs. continuous outgoings. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

But I want to move on to a related issue, which is where the \u2018slight problem\u2019 in the title of this post comes in. And that\u2019s my current preference for sleep, or unconsciousness, as a state of being. Even if I\u2019m dreaming frightening weird shit. Preferable, that is, at least – see yesterday\u2019s forced self-awakening episode – up to a point.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"
Gonzo, looking a bit Columbo.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Again this connects all too readily with the less than pleasant realities of my current situation. I want to be asleep or unconscious, because that\u2019s way preferable to being awake and conscious, with all that the latter entails.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s a form, I guess, of pseudo-suicide. I can\u2019t be bothered, or I\u2019m not bold (or crazy\/stupid?) enough to enact a real physical self-termination. But if I just effectively switch myself off, maybe it\u2019ll ultimately amount to much the same thing?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Like my dreams this morning. This is rolling along fairly scary lines, to be honest. Maybe some context will illuminate things a little? Maybe not? Who knows. I feel I\u2019m past caring but I hope I\u2019m wrong about that?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Anyway, I generally go to bed between about 7.30-8.30pm these days. I like to turn in early. Maybe do a bit on the blog. And definitely – as long as I\u2019m not too tired to do even this – to read.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"
Reading\u2026 or looking at pics.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Reading is one pleasurable activity I can still regularly engage in. Currently I\u2019m nearing the end of volume three of Shelby Foote\u2019s The Civil War<\/em>. I\u2019m slightly dreading reaching the end, partly \u2018cause I\u2019m not sure what to read next.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Last night – and this is happening increasingly frequently at the moment – I woke around 3am. Most often, as indeed with last night, I will simply try and get back to sleep. Often this takes a good while. Normally I\u2019ll have rain sounds playing, in the YT app, to help me slumber.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I might do something on my phone – but I try not to (screen time can be over-stimulating) – or I may read. Very occasionally I\u2019ll get up and do stuff. The main aim is to get back to sleep. And once there, stay there.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m acutely and painfully aware that really I need to be up and active, to address my current problems. But I\u2019m simultaneously acutely and painfully aware that I really<\/em> don\u2019t want to be.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"
In my favourite place.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

I certainly need to expand my affirmation cue-card set, which is currently predominantly about trying to relax and not super-stress, to include much more active doing stuff type admonitions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But I desperately<\/em> need to somehow train or cajole my kind into wanting to be awake\/conscious and dealing with, aka solving, my current livelihood (and other) conundrums. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

My attempts to sell stuff, mostly musical instruments at this point, feel like pissing into a force 10 gale, so far. I suppose I need to expand these efforts, and add a whole load of other shit: books and models, for example.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But again, it all feels like too little and too late. So why even bother?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"
Splat!<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

WHY???<\/p>\n\n\n\n

To avert utter catastrophe\u2026 you dumbass nincompoop! <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I think I\u2019d better call Samaritans, immediately. And the doc\u2019s shortly thereafter. It\u2019s clear I need some kind of psychological intervention type help.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Those two things done, I must get up, get dressed, and get on. At the very least to make a determined effort to sell as much stuff as quickly as poss\u2019. But also to find some other ways I might get some money in. Like some kind of \u2018without wheels\u2019 work, starting ASAP.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"
Beaker\u2026 love him!<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Despite or because of the \u2018heaviness\u2019 of this post, I feel the levity of Muppet-land as a source for accompanying imagery is apt. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The first thing I want to record here is the most gonzo dreams I think I\u2019ve ever had. Not sure I actually can record them, as they were so intense, weird and far ranging. I\u2019ll just do a stream of consciousness dump, and hope I get down a fraction of what is fast fading from … <\/p>\n

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