{"id":18236,"date":"2024-06-16T00:47:55","date_gmt":"2024-06-15T23:47:55","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.sebpalmer.com\/blog\/?p=18236"},"modified":"2024-06-16T19:51:22","modified_gmt":"2024-06-16T18:51:22","slug":"health-wellbeing-stop-the-world","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.sebpalmer.com\/blog\/?p=18236","title":{"rendered":"HEALTH & WELLBEiNG: Stop The World\u2026"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"\"
Ummm\u2026<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Stop The World, I Want To Get Off\u2026\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This is how I feel right now. And sadly it\u2019s neither a new nor an unusual state of mind, for me. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019ve weathered a number of particularly unpleasant storms in the last couple of years. But instead of experiencing them as \u2018what doesn\u2019t kill me makes me stronger\u2019 type events\u2026 Well, it\u2019s more a case of being worn down by attrition.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

To continue with the Anthony Newley schtick, \u2018What kind of fool am I?\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What kind of man is this?
An empty shell
A lonely cell in which
An empty heart must dwell

<\/pre>\n\n\n\n
\"\"
Kermit sings WKOFAMI? with \u2018help\u2019 from Grover.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n
Unlike Littlechap, the protagonist of the play\/film (etc.) that the poster atop this post refers to, I\u2019m not in a circus, nor do I have kids, a successful career, wealth, or a series of interesting lovers. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019m just a \u2018bona fido\u2019 sad-sack loser. I don\u2019t enjoy life. At least not enough to want more of it. Depression has been a near constant companion since mid- or even early-teens.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\"\"
Beck, Loser.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n
And what have I done with the life I do<\/em> have? Feck all. Or at least feck all of any worth. Even of any worth just to me, or those around me. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Everything seems to me like a pointless and lamentable waste. A waste of time. A waste of energy. And as time passes, this makes me more and more bitter and angry. What\u2019s the fucking point!?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n
I realise that I\u2019m not this way all the time. And sometimes I\u2019m actually happy. Or just \u2018comfortably numb\u2019, as The Floyd had it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
When I was a child 
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown, 
The dream is gone.
I have become comfortably numb.
   (Pink Floyd [lyrics, Roger Waters)<\/pre>\n\n\n\n
Writing like this, to my surprise, seems to help a bit. Maybe just venting a little is ok? I\u2019ve found calls to The Samaritans helpful. So much so I\u2019ve gone from thinking they are totally useless (poss\u2019 even harmful!?), to becoming almost dependent on them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\"\"
Chad Varah, clergyman, fag smoker, and founder of The Samaritans.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n
I guess I need to go back and get more \u2018help\u2019? But I don\u2019t really want to. And therein lies one of the worst aspects of the depressed state: lack of motivation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
In fact it\u2019s kind of worse than a pure absence of motivation. Only when I\u2019m actively doing something else, e.g. my Amazon delivery work, do I feel motivated to do other stuff. But as soon as I get home, poof! That\u2019s gone. And I slump back into the slough of despond. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n
I can dream up schemes when I'm sitting in my seat
I don't see any flaws 'til I get to my feet
I wish I never woke up this morning
   (The Police, Darkness [Stewart Copeland])<\/pre>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019m seriously tempted to just brutally chuck out a ton of stuff I\u2019ve accumulated over the years, as I feel that \u2018all my shit\u2019 – both physical and mental – is quite literally doing my head in. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
\u2018Stop The World, I Want To Get Off\u2026\u2019 This is how I feel right now. And sadly it\u2019s neither a new nor an unusual state of mind, for me. I\u2019ve weathered a number of particularly unpleasant storms in the last couple of years. But instead of experiencing them as \u2018what doesn\u2019t kill me makes me … <\/p>\n
Continue reading “HEALTH & WELLBEiNG: Stop The World\u2026”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_is_tweetstorm":false,"jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false}}},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/paGwUa-4K8","_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.sebpalmer.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/18236"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.sebpalmer.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.sebpalmer.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.sebpalmer.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.sebpalmer.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=18236"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"http:\/\/www.sebpalmer.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/18236\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":18246,"href":"http:\/\/www.sebpalmer.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/18236\/revisions\/18246"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.sebpalmer.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=18236"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.sebpalmer.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=18236"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.sebpalmer.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=18236"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}