{"id":5570,"date":"2022-05-16T22:45:57","date_gmt":"2022-05-16T22:45:57","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.sebpalmer.com\/blog\/?p=5570"},"modified":"2023-01-22T22:02:51","modified_gmt":"2023-01-22T22:02:51","slug":"tory-top-tips","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.sebpalmer.com\/blog\/?p=5570","title":{"rendered":"POLiTiCS: Tory Top Tips\u2026"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
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Top Tory Tips for dealing with the it\u2019s-nothing-to-do-with-Brexit apocalypse:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Serfs, remember:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

1. Eat more dung! We serve it up to you all the time anyway. Just open a bit wider, we\u2019ll keep shovelling it in. And now, thanks to Brexit, we\u2019ll soon have radioactive nutrient-free added-cruelty pile on the air miles dung. Mmm, delicious!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

2. Work longer hours. You\u2019ll have to soon enough anyway, as we\u2019re busily removing all your rights. It\u2019s called sovereignty. We\u2019re taking back control!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

3. Try not to be so totally and utterly feckless and stupid. At least learn to budget a little and to cook! Mind you, don\u2019t be getting ideas above your station! A good serf always remains dumb enough to vote for us.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

4. Keep watching and reading and believing the tycoons\u2019 propaganda. We don\u2019t want you thinking about why – when us Tories have governed for over 75% of the time since WWII – things are so shit for the lower orders. That\u2019s as it should be.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

5. Conform and obey. If you don\u2019t we\u2019ll soon have the powers to lock you up in The Tower, like the good old days.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

6. Watch Downton and believe it\u2019s history.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

7. Celebrate being a subject, as opposed to a citizen. It\u2019s much more fun eating dung and tugging your forelock than it is trying to better your lot in life. Why bother, when the odds are stacked so heavily against you? Just watch TV, gamble a bit, and eat your dung!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

8. Leave the big issues to us. We\u2019ll only ask you to vote in a referendum when we\u2019re 100% certain we can stage manage it so you turkeys continue to vote for Christmas.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

9. Don\u2019t think about electoral reform. First past the post – mainly practised by us and our former colonies (oh, and that bastion of democracy, Belarus) – has, like the rotten boroughs of our glorious past, served us well.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

10. Always vote Conservative. Only we true blue Tories can rid society of such evils as public healthcare, the BBC\/C4, basic human rights, and other such commie follies. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Whilst inflation and billionaires\u2019 profits rocket, and ordinary folks\u2019 lives and health regress, only we can be trusted to rob from the many to enrich the few. It\u2019s what we\u2019ve always done. That\u2019s the only way in which we\u2019re truly<\/em> Conservative. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Give us time and we\u2019ll roll back conditions to the glorious medieval era, or better yet the Dark Ages. It won\u2019t be long before we\u2019re repealing the weekend. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Weekends? What are they, but a dirty worker\u2019s plot to lessen the constant toil that is the true lot of the masses, and which keeps us turds floating up top. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Top Tory Tips for dealing with the it\u2019s-nothing-to-do-with-Brexit apocalypse: Serfs, remember: 1. Eat more dung! We serve it up to you all the time anyway. Just open a bit wider, we\u2019ll keep shovelling it in. And now, thanks to Brexit, we\u2019ll soon have radioactive nutrient-free added-cruelty pile on the air miles dung. Mmm, delicious! 2. … <\/p>\n

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