Part I
Since the collapse of the charges brought against me in Jan ‘23, and my subsequent acquittal, one might have hoped for a return to a prior state of affairs. And I suppose to some extent that is happening.
But it’s also true that – just as something has happened during the Covid period; something still as yet undefined/undiagnosed – that has negatively impacted my physical health, so too have these events caused, so it seems, lasting damage to my mental health. And possibly to Teresa’s also.
One of the most obvious manifestations of this, at present, is my constant (chronic?) hyper-exhaustion. I went to bed at 7.30 last night. And was soon fast asleep. I’ve had wakeful spells in the subsequent 12+ hours. But in essence I’ve slept most of that time. And could very easily continue to do so. And would much prefer to do so.
But shit needs to get done. The daily demands of earning an income, paying bills, and other onerous stuff (e.g. a pending speeding fine).
The blunt and unpalatable truth of the matter is that, right now, I’d prefer sleep/oblivion/death, to what life asks of me. And far from rising to the challenges of life, I feel utterly crushed and spent. I have no fuel in the tank.
I don’t want to repeat the ‘sins of my father’, so to speak. But I can, in some respects, understand how he feels. And I feel, whether I like it or not – and on this score I don’t like it – cut from the same damaged cloth.
There are so many things I want to get down, in relation to all this. For example, how the Amazon Flex work, whilst in some respects suiting my current circs admirably, is in other ways awful.
It’s good cause it’s flexible, not too demanding, and gets me out. It’s less good ‘cause I’m not earning enough, and it’s so heavily reliant on/demanding of constant screen-time.
It feels like it promotes addictive/compulsive reliance on tech, rather like potential addictions to social media, such as FB. I feel I ought to wean myself off all such stuff, including the ‘I spend therefore I am’ m.o. our materialist capitalism so sedulously promotes.
But I feel powerless to do so. I’m not even King Canute, trying to face down the waves. Rather, I’m more like a grain of sand, helplessly tossed on the tides of the times we live in.
To find fault with things as they are, and wish for better or different – whilst on some levels both natural, useful, poss’ even laudable – is also to condemn oneself to disappointment and ultimately bitterness.
As Sting sang, in ‘Consider Me Gone’, many moons ago, ‘To search for perfection, Is all very well, But to look for heaven, Is to live here in hell.’
Part II
Well, there’s some of the problems or issues I’m facing. What about solutions?
The most obvious and tempting to me is simply to obey mind and body, and sleep. But whilst I expect that doing so is – up to a point – the right thing. Beyond that point it might simply make things worse.
Knowing where that point is, esp’ when not in the best way physically or mentally, isn’t easy. But I fear I’m already there.
Solutions!? Eating better, exercising, and all the daily minutiae of living life well, seem obvious. As do cultivating positive habits of mind and body. Practice positivity. Gratitude, etc.
The thing is, I know about all of this. Have done all along. Just can’t seem to put it into practice. I suppose baby steps; little but often. All that malarkey…
Part III
Well, just coming up on 11am, and, having allowed myself to go back to sleep, I’m rudely summoned from this blissful state by… a bitcoin/PayPal scammer’s automated telephone call.
As Blur had it, on one of their album covers, modern life is rubbish!
* Allegedly transferred from a mural on his wall, to canvas. How!?